keskiviikko 18. lokakuuta 2017


dancers, <3.
I just want to take a couple of minutes and write about my day here, because it was so perfect.  I didn't do anything special, but already waking up with having memories on the day before when my friend appeared to my apartment after traveling several kilometers to only bring me flowers and wine from his hometown, and after having endless discussions and good time made me in a good mood. I also worked many hours with my thesis which made me smile even more. I got a nice package, and finally I went to our dance studio, where my fellow dancers drowned me in hugs and I got also flowers. Now I am doing what any other person who has got flowers is, crying (tears of happiness) :-D or trying not to cry because I just put some creme de la creme to my face :---D

My joy comes from the place of pure feeling of loved. 

Moral of the story:
There is ALWAYS light. Just hang in there, buddy.

Stay safe kids. 

tiistai 17. lokakuuta 2017

☾ I am deeply feeling person in a messy world. I cry & I laugh a lot because I pay attention ☾

as it was wrote to my instagram, being 25 years on this planet has taught me that I am a deeply feeling person in a messy world. I cry & laugh often because the same reason: I pay attention. I think past year was one of the most exciting but also the most horrifying year. If somebody would pinpoint exactly year ago frackles of this person who I am (and mostly whom I am with) today with the experience I have today I would not recognize myself. So I don't blame you if you ain't recognizong me either, but one has been same and its my racing heart ūüćć I have been so lucky to have quides to take me to these adventures and I am truly blessed in many ways. But man, that is the thing with life. It keeps surprising me. I still surprise myself how much I keep crossing boundaries because of my curiosity. I always think that now I have seen it all I want to see and then BOOM something crazy happens like few weekends ago. I am not definitely the same person after seeing the moon shine from the other side of the universe, nor I can never go back to the person who I was. But oh shit, how my perception changed for better. I truly hope I can keep living my life like this till the end. My life is crazy. But I would never ever change it. 

Thank you for all the people who remembered me, today my 25 anniversary in this planet. The roses, the wishes, the colorbook and love I got was overwhelming. You are the stars of my sky. I am so lucky to have you in my life. I am so grateful and happy that I was ready to turn the page to see what has the chapter 25 to offer me, as it was always not so clear that I will see it.
But now I feel peace and mostly I feel frackles of happiness.

Thank you to those who have been kind enough to show me their world. Thank you to those who during this year kept me hanging on when I didn't felt like swimming. Thank you for showing me all the sides of universe. Thank you for listening me. Thank you for crying with me. Thank you for laughing with me.
Thank you for the roses. And flowers. Thank for saying the words I needed to hear.
Thank you for going my favorite restaurants with me. Thank you for eternally texting with me when I needed it. Thank you for kissing me to the foreheard when I needed it. Thank you for covering me blankets. Thank you for showing me nature, and sharing me the most well-kept secret inside of yours and listening mine. Thank you forgiving me the mistakes I made and giving me chances to fix them.
Thank you for being there for me even tho you obviously knew sometimes which is better for me, but still be in this path with me and picking me up without saying the words "I knew it".
Thank you for sharing your stories with me of your life, and giving me your most valuable asset: time.
Thank you for listening my life problems and solving them together with me.

you know who you are so,
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

And now is my time to give something to you. Here is a poem I wrote. There you go.
And ofcourse stay safe,

ps. witches before bitches always :----D

maanantai 16. lokakuuta 2017

☾ Be the person you wish to meet ☾

Relationships should make you happy, not hurt you. 

I have been lucky enough to meet during my life more people from different nationalities and cultural backgrounds that I could never imagine when I was a child. It is hard to describe, but I have always kinda known that I am not going to hang around only the Finnish people who are around me. 

Maybe the sense came from the same place as my ideal how the world should work; from Disney movies. Those movies are fulfilled with cultural rich facts and occurrences. And they are also always fulfilled with a thought of justice. I highly believe, that growing up with Disney fairytales have shaped me many ways, but mostly the way to thrive to surround myself with gold-hearted people.
Disney also taught me that sometimes people who seem to have golden-heart have insidious motives.

I still tend to listen my intuition really carefully. And it has never been wrong. How many times your intuition has been wrong in the end? Most of the times I can not explain it to others why I feel in certain way. And that is why, sometimes it is hard to explain people why I don't want immediately to set up a nest with them for the rest of my life. Maybe I am picky, but every round, time has also shown that this was the reason why we two should not pack our bags and move together.

Yesterday I laid down to my couch and stared the roof. I tried long time to connect the dots what was why with some people I just click immediately, even tho I clearly can see this ain't for good man. And why with someone who would be more than perfect in e v e r y s i n g l e way I can not connect. There was nothing that was thriving these people together. In fact, all my dear ones are like completely different worlds. My inner circle includes a loveable, artistic hippie, a guy who master's IT and has the sweetest heart alive, a girl who is funny as hell, the girl who gives zero ducks and is intelligent as fuck, a shy & very trustworthy flight attendant, for example. They all are so very different personas.

And then it clicked. The difference between these people, and the people who I would like to be close but I just can not is how they perceive & treat us. The people who know me does not have a need to tell me how to act to be me. Even tho, sometimes they may carry me their bed after falling asleep in their floor and they know they need to cover me blankets today, they also know that one day I will be alright. They know that they don't try to need to change me as who I am. They let me be me.  

World is what it is. I still know that I don't know anything about this world. But I do also know, that I opened my eyes more few weekends ago, and even though they are still not fully open they are far more open than they have ever been. Suddenly seeing and experiencing loads of things is exciting but also painful. Knowledge is power, but it is also loads of tears.

There will be always people who have not good intentions. But something that you can do about it, is to surround yourself with people who love you. The people who lift you up.
Cover up yourself with people who reflect your future self or the person you want to be.
Whatever you focus you become. 

And if you think you are the toxic one, maybe good start is to go and see yourself in the mirror.
I do still think that you can not force with evil to good results.
Like yes, you can have many things temporary with hate and forcing.
Holding people hostage or putting them through shit just because you think so, may give you temporary result. However, in my Disney world it does not give you long-term solutions.
Nor it gives you happiness.
Smart people are not easy to manipulate. 

I think there are so many ways to be happy as there are us creatures.
So I can not say for example, if you are in relationship where your phone is taken away every single day and you have been restricted to talk your friends that you should leave her/him.
Because I have been watching very close this to happen, and to be honest I think that person is hella happy in that situation, and it didn't matter how I hated it.
So I am not telling what you have to do to be happy.

I am just telling you to be brave enough to take the first step if you think you are unhappy.
And I guarantee you, there will be people to have your back on that path.
If not anyone else,
I am.

Be safe,

perjantai 13. lokakuuta 2017

Jyviä akanoista

T√§ll√§ p√§iv√§ll√§ oli kaikki potentiaali olla p√§iv√§ jona ois linnottautunu vaan himaan ja v√§ltellyt kaikella maailman tavalla universumia. Tiet√§j√§t tiet√§√§, ett√§ mun y√∂-el√§m√§ on ollut jo jonkin aikaa vilkasta. Enk√§ muuten meinaa t√§ll√§ baareilua, vaan unissa tapahtuvaa t√∂rtt√∂ily√§. Aiemmin t√§ll√§ viikolla leikkasin itselleni otsatukan unissani ja viime y√∂n√§ mulla oli taas vieraita himassa.
Se hiipi nukkumaan mun seläntaakse hiljaa mua herättämättä. No heräsin kuitenkin eikä siellä ketään ollut :D GOOD TIMES GOOD TIMES.

Kellon soidessa 7.30 päätin että yöllisen näkymättömän vierailian takia ansaitsin tunnin extra unta. Sen tein ja sitten lähdinkin salille, viemään kameraa huoltoo, hakemaan lounasta. Ulkon satoin vettä taivaalta ja yhtäkkiä mieleen muistui, että laskut piti maksaa ja siivous päiväkin kolkutteli ovella.
Mun sali meni aika automaatiolla, eikä se ollut mikään mun maailman paras treeni, mutta ehdottoman ylpeä mä kuitenkin olin että sain mentyä.

Mun strategia on kriisitilanteissa aina se, että automaatio vaan päälle sen kummempia analysoimatta. Ja niin uskon, että elämässä yleensäkin selviää. Kun jotain on tehtävä, se on vaan tehtävä halusit tai et. Mitä enemän sitä jää analysoimaan tekemistä, sen tekemisen sijaan tuhlaa energiaa, aikaa ja hermoja. Sen takia mä myös olen yleensä yliopistolla ja duuni paikalle se ärsyttävä muija joka hoitaa kaiken aina pikemmiten pois alta. Oon huomannut, että se työ tuntuu paljon pienemmältä ja ahdistavammalta kun sen hoitaa heti pois, sillä jossain vaiheessa se kuitenkin pitää tehdä.
Mä kelaan myös, että näin erotellaan ne jyvät akanoista. Ne jotka menee sillonkin esimerkiksi vetää sen treenin kun ei kiinnosta, kehittyy kun ne jotka helposti antaa periksi.
Se perikseantamattomuus ja suomi sisu kantaa pitkälle ;D

Joten niin mä käänsin päiväni kulun ihan päin vastaiseen kun se tuntui määrätty menevän. Ei se salilla oleminen, tai safkaa jonottaminen, tai alakuloisen asiakaspalvelijan kuunteleminen yhtään mieltä kohentanut, mutta jynssätessä keittiön kaappeja tuli yhtäkkiä tosi terapeuttinen olo.
Mulla on hiuksen hento raja siin√§, ett√§ pit√§√§ itsest√§√§ huolen ja p√§√§st√§√§ vapaalle ja siin√§, ett√§ on t√§ysin ulapalla. 

Esimerkiksi tällä hetkellä tuntuu, että olen vähän tipahtanut sokerikoukkuun ja muihinkin koukkuihin jotka ei oo ihan niin fitness kun toivoisin. Vaikka jokainen jaettu hetki on ollut ihanaa ja elämisen kannalta tärkeää, huomaan, että alan havuta takaisin mun elämän eliksiirien pariin.
Balanssi diettiin ja reenamiseen. 

On viel√§ paljon asioita, joita m√§ varmasti joudun k√§sittelem√§√§n viel√§ pitk√§√§n hamassa tulevaisuudessakin. Mutta sill√§ v√§lin, se mit√§ m√§ voin tehd√§ on yritt√§√§ parhaani ja ottaa kaiken niist√§ hetkist√§ irti jotka tuntuu t√§ll√§ hetkell√§ hyv√§lt√§. 

ps. helkkari meinasin ihan unohtaa. lupasin raportoida on mennyt nugettia suuhun hittovie, ei musta vieläkään tullut kasvi-soturia :-D. herkkä aihe, olen traumatisoitunut en halua puhua siitä ;;;DD

//Those who know me already, also know that I am having some crazy night time activity. And by that I do not mean partying at the bars. I mean doing some weird things while asleep. Earlier this week I cut banks to myself and last night I was 100% sure someone was in my apartment. My invisible friend came sleep next to me during the night. GOOD TIMES. It is clear without saying that I had all the ingredients to have an awful day. Sleep paralysis mixed with the depressing weather, with a pinch of traumatic memories from last summer. The Nice cocktail I would say.
However, it was a long time before decided that I wanted to go to the gym, and so I did. I also took my camera to the repairman, I got some lunch, I cleaned my apartment and finally came to university. 
When struggling I do highly think, that automation-robot-alike mood is one of the most important skills to master. When you do not fancy to do uncomfortable things, but you have to the only option is just do them, without thinking it more. The more you think about the things you have to do rather than just doing them, the bigger they become. The strategy works.
I also think this is how you divide the top from the middlemen often; the top men are willing to go the extra mile which whoever else is not willing to go. 
-And so I changed my day. Instead of staying at home and feeling bad I decided to try and it paid off. There is obviously plenty of issues still to solve in my life, but don't we all have.
Meanwhile, I can do the best I am able to do now.
Go back to my healthy habits, cut sugar and other bad habits. Because there is so small and invisible line when it comes enjoying myself and going to the dark side.
And that place is most certainly not something where I am willing to go anymore very often atelast.

ps. Oh dear I almost forgot deemn I ate meat again. It is sensitive topic let's not talk about it more :---D

keskiviikko 11. lokakuuta 2017

Are we in the world or is the world inside us? ☾


Eläminen hetkessä on uutta, jännittävää ja kiehtovaa. Se on sitä, mitä olen viime aikoina tehnyt.
Jos katsot vlogejani, tiedätkin jo, että viime viikolla päätin lähteä extempore juomaan kahvia Suomeen. Loppujen lopuksi juna vei kokkolan kautta stadiin ja yllätin itsenikin löytämällä sieluni slam poetry illasta kalliosta. Tottakai tähän väliin mahtui paljon muitakin tapahtumia, kuten yö ajeluita, lukemista, sekä luontopolkuilua.

Tämän kaiken mahdollisti sen, että olen päästänyt irti stressaavasta suunnitelmallisuudesta, sekä näkymättömistä bokseista jonne itseäni laitoin. Jos olisitte kysyneet minulta vuosi sitten, olisinko päivän matkustamisen jälkeen lähtenyt jumppahousuilla runo iltaan pelkän lounaan voimin olisin nauranut partoihini ja sanonut, että eihän se käy päinsä.
Nyt sanon sen sijaan, ett√§ runo illasta kielt√§ytyminen ei k√§y p√§ins√§. 

Vaikka going with the flow onnistuukin nykyään melko vaivattomasti, on mulla vielä ongelmia sen suhteen että antaisin itselleni luvan nauttia.
Jotenkin siihen mentaliteettiin oppineena, ett√§ "pitk√§st√§ ilosta itku" on vaikea antaa lupa itselle vaan olla. 
Mutta niinh√§n sit√§ sanotaan, ett√§ kasvamisen yksi suurimpia haasteita on pois oppia asioista joita et edes tiennyt oppineesi matkan varrella. 

Nyt olen kotona. 
Ja kohta olen menossa tanssimaan ja huomenna menen salille. 
En siksi, että pitäisi mennä polttamaan eiliset siiderit pois vaan siksi, että mulla on ikävä sinne.
Heittäkää kello hukkaan hetkeksi.

//Living in a moment is new, fascinating and exciting. It is exactly what I have been doing the past week. If you are subscribed to my youtube channel that is something you probably know already:  last week I decided to go and get coffee in Finland. I end up making a detour from my hometown to our lovely and rainy capital. We went to see slam poetry night, I explored nature and lived in a moment every single second.

Without me letting go about extremely stressing over time and plans this all would not be possible to experience. If you asked me a year ago if I wanted to come to see live poetry after traveling the whole day, having my gym pants on and only having fuel from my lunch, I would most definitely laugh and said no. Now I laughed and said yes.
And it was worth it. 

Even tho everything seems to be fun and dandy, and mastering going with the flow feels, oh, so right, sometimes giving yourself permission to do so is difficult. This is due to all the things I was taught to do and think without me even knowing earlier in my life.
As they say, one of the biggest challenge growing up is to unlearn things you didn't know even you were taught. 

But oh it was a great trip.
Now I am waiting for my dance trains to start and tomorrow I will go back to the gym.
Not because I need to burn my ciders away from last night, but because I miss the feeling being there.

Cheers, be safe.

maanantai 2. lokakuuta 2017

Would you like to go to adventure now or shall we have tea first?


Tätä onkin ollut ikävä, että voin kirjottaa, että on tapahtunu niin paljon asioita, että HUHHUH :D Puhuin koko kesän, että olispa joskus kiva ihan vaan chillaa ja elää sellasta basic rauhallista arkea ilman kaikkea jännittävää, ja sitten ku sellanen kevyt turvallinen arki iski, niin olin et jepsistä-jee, eihän tää ihan ollutkaan mulle, joten lähdin sitten taas vähä seikkailemaan because this is how I choose to live my life :-D
//I have been waiting to be able to write this here SO LONG. that you can not even imagine. It has been times, my mates! SO, basically, the whole summer I was thinking like "oh how nice it would just have like steady period you know nothing special going on" because you know my life is one wonderland sometimes. So, then finally as always, I attracted to that lifestyle and I was like "nahhhhh this ain't fun man" and then I always go toward new adventures because that is how I choose to live my life.
Mulla v√§h√§n toi vege juttu l√§hti niin sanotusti lentoon, enk√§ viel√§k√§√§n oo palannut takaisin lihan sy√∂miseen, ja ihan suoraan sanottuna lihan sy√∂minen ei tunnu kauheen houkuttelevalta ajatukselta, ainakaan t√§n√§√§n. M√§ en sano, etten koskaan tulis sy√∂m√§√§n lihaa, koska en tied√§ miten huomenna tunnen, mutta ainakaan t√§n√§√§n se ei maistu. T√§n kasviskokeilun aikana m√§ huomasin, ett√§ ruat on maistunut paljon paremmilta. Ja ekat viikot mun iho oli kyl tosi kehnossa kunnossa, ja muutenkin koko ruokavalio meni v√§h√§n p√§√§lalellee, mutta nyt kyll√§ kaikki on tipahdellut omille paikoilleen. Raportoin lis√§√§ my√∂hemmin jos en laita t√§n√§√§n nugettia suuhun :-D
//Also, my vegetarian diet experiment accidentally got longer than I thought and honestly, I am digging it currently. Like I do not mean that I will be the rest of my life without meat, because honestly I can not tell how I feel tomorrow but atleast currently eating meat does not sound appealing at all. After I dropped meat, my whole nutrition plan went off track for a while, but now I feel like I found balance. also my skin got a bit confused, but then cleared itself.  I will give you further details if I don't eat a nugget already today :D
T√§m√§ viikonloppuna aika lensi kun siivill√§ ja tuli tehty√§ ja koettua yht√§ ja toista. Valvottiin koko y√∂ ja tuli my√∂a avattua silm√§t maailmalle ensimm√§ist√§ kertaa 24 vuoteen, mentiin aamulla pannukakuille kompressoriin vanhaan kaupunkiin, tuli n√§hty√§ frendej√§, k√§yty√§ kahdessa kirkossa, tehty√§ koulu juttuja,  kokattua, maalasin mun kynnet, k√§yty√§ ajelulla ja naurettua aivan liikaa. Kaiken kaikkiaan se oli todella seikkailullinen viikonloppu, just mit√§ kaipasin. 
Nyt mä olen lähdössä tanssitreeneihin studiolle ja
Elämä on tosi jees.
Hyv√§√§ viikkoa <3 
be safe.
This weekend the time flew. We stayed up whole night, and during that time I opened my eyes first time in 24 years,  we went together in the morning to have some pancakes at old town in Kompressor , I saw also my friends, we went to see churches, I did some university things, I cooked, painted my nails, take a car ride and laughed loads. It was all in all very eventful, adventurous weekend. Just what I was lacking.
Now I am on my way to the dance studio.
Life is beautiful currently.
I hope you have a good week and remember
to be safe.

keskiviikko 27. syyskuuta 2017

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground

internet kansa!

Ihan teki kuulkaas mieli suomeksi kirjoittaa lurauttaa. 
Onkos teill√§ ollut mua ik√§v√§, vai oletteko kaikonnut jo galaxien toiselle puolelle sill√§ v√§lin kun olen enkunksi kirjoitellut? 

Olin eilen t√§yden p√§iv√§n yliopistolla ja t√§n√§√§n olen katsonut mm. miljoona jaksoa ruotsin paratiisi hotellia. Mun lemppari sielt√§ on ihan ehdottomasti se ruskeasilm√§inen-arabi-ruotsi-mixi. 
Digaan sen meininki√§ sikana, vaikka aluksi olin ihan toisissa laivoissa! 
Mulle käy aina näin että käännän kelkkani jonku reality tähden suhteen kokonaan
tiet√§j√§t tiet√§√§. 
Mit√§s muuta. 
No tanssi-salia ja maisterin thesiksen aiheen hakemista. 
Se on kans yks heinäsuopa ja nuppineula se, mutta kyllä se siitä, sanokaa mun sanoneen.
Tara maisterksi 2080 -luvulla. 
Huomenna teen railakkaan comebackin salille ja odotan vähintään, että siellä skumppa pulloin, punasen maton kans mua ollaan vastassa näin viikon poissa olon jälkeen

Olen my√∂s tuijotellut t√§htitaivasta harvinaisen paljon viime aikoina. 
En oo tajunnut että mun sisäpihalta on aika hyvät näkymät sinne.
Tähtitaivaassa on jotain kiehtovaa.
Sen lisäksi, että se on ääretön, mitä enemmän sitä katsoo, sitä enemmän siitä löytää.
Ja mitä kauemmin sitä tuijottaa, sinä enemmän kolmiulotteiselta se näyttää.
Sitten, toiset tähdet on kirkkaampia kun toiset, ja sitten on vielä ne jotka meinaa sammua ja vilkkuu kaikissa sateenkaaren väreissä.
Ootteko koskaan koittaneet?
" viis-kautta-viis, suosittelen "
-tarawho, intellectual,  2007

Mulla ei oo monta asiaa jotka saa mun p√§√§n ihan hiljaiseksi. Mutta t√§htitaivas on yksi niist√§. 

Niinjoo! ja meinasi ihan unohtua. Olen ollut viikon syömättä lihaa.
√Ąlk√§√§ nyt innostuko sent√§√§n, en m√§ viel√§ vuoden vegaani ole.
Mutta ihan mielenkiintoinen kokeilujakso se on ollut.


//I have been watching hotel, ate vegetarian food, formatted my master's thesis topic, dancing a bit and stared Starsky for hours. There is something utterly interesting and fascinating about that.
You know, first, when you look at it, it just seems like nothing. Like boring as hell.
But the more you stare at it, the more you see.
More stars appear, and all the sudden you see everything in 3D (like after my eye surgery back in the days :-D). In addition to that, it has so soothing impact on me.
There are no many things that make my head go completely quiet, but Starsky is one of them. 
Tomorrow is time to make a comeback to the gym.
It makes me get very excited.

Love ya!